A New Start
by AthenaAnn
Summary: Katniss is forgiving herself and coming to peace with the deaths from her past. When pressure forces her to become someone she never wanted to be, will she fall back to her old ways or fight for what the uprising stood for? AU for Adult Content. Currently on hiatus.
1. Pity and Fear

**Hello! I haven't posted anything in months and deleted my past stories. I decided to start writing fanfiction for Hunger Games since there aren't many long, great stories out there yet! I thought the end of Mockingjay wasn't right since the characters are past the point of being broken and it is never explained how they heal. This story takes a new turn from other stories I have read... This story will have music going with every chapter and the title is from a Paramore song. (Misguided Ghosts- Paramore)**

**The song for this chapter is Pity and Fear- Death Cab For Cutie. Enjoy!**

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How is there life when death has enclosed itself around my soul? I hear faint laughter from the town below. I stare out at District 12- Molotov City- while standing at the edge of the meadow. District 12- Molotov- has grown into one of the richest cities since it now has control over the coal produced. The city makes its own money and has build a thriving rural town. I think it's too small to be considered a city still, but the population has grown since everyone wanted to catch a glimpse of the Mockingjay. It took months to get people to come back. Some of the former residents of District 12 moved back to help the rebuild. Since the bomb destroyed most of the buildings everything had to be rebuilt. From the meadow I can see town hall- tall and proud. I laugh at the tries to show how strong the district still is when in truth most have nightmares from the rebellion. I see a post office and the new train station, but what catches my eye in the bakery. It is smaller then what I remember from before, but looking at it brings a cold chill through my bones even though it is mid summer.

I sigh and walk through what was once the fence line. Every fence or wall surrounding the districts were torn down within a week of winning the war. People moved outward, people forgave, people forgot. My fists turn hard as I swing the bow from behind my back and shot at the first thing I see. I walked up to the deer and size up my kill. Small enough to carry and fat enough to feed me for a few weeks. I smirk and make my way through the forest making kills and gathering fruits. By the time I get back to the meadow it's dusk and the city lights start to come on.

I walk along the dirt road that leads to the Victory Village- now called Aspiration Village by most. I call it hell. Anyone who arrived first moved into the homes left empty and the once empty street now is warm with the smell of spices from open windows and the decorations that go up for a celebration to honor the day the war ended. They call it the 16th of July after some past holiday from before Panem was Panem. I look up at my house and laugh at what a mess it is. The grass is overgrown and the bushes are wild. I walk around back since I rarely use the front door after seeing Peacekeepers telling me that President Snow was waiting for me. A sweet smell captures my attention as I pass a row of small, wild bushes. Primroses.

My eyes start to water before I can stop myself. I quickly wipe them away and head for the steps. My hand reaches the door and freezes. I whip my head around to the sound of a front door closing in the distance. Peeta emerges sweating and out of breath. A bag of flour is thrown over one shoulder and is put into a cart. I remember the carts moving and is something that is becoming popular in all the districts. Haymitch told me that they make it easier to get around and used to be used in the past. I take in Peeta as he loads more flour into the back of the cart. Strong. Determined. Calm.

I talk to Peeta once in a while, but try to avoid it as much as possible. Memories are too hurtful and the feel of his hands around my throat makes me open the door and walk in. I can't face Peeta- not yet. I will talk to him soon though. I know that he has gotten better since the war ended. Haymitch updates me whenever I bring him game. Peeta went through intensive therapy that helped stop his frantic behavior when he was brought back by a flashback. He helped rebuild and open the bakery. He took care of a finally broken Haymitch when I couldn't. I remember hearing the cries from Haymitch's house a few weeks after the war ended. After all these years, Haymitch was strong. The drinking kept him stable and blurred around the edges, but still stable. One night when all the liquor was gone the memories came back from his year in the Games and the nightmare of the war. I tried helping. I really did, but I couldn't move myself. I was in a depression that I couldn't step out of. All the deaths that were caused by me haunted my days and nights. I was a mess for about seven months before I realized that Spring was arriving and I needed to start hunting again. That day I showered, dressed, and caught more than I had ever caught in my life.

Peeta ran to Haymitch, cleaned him up, and put him to sleep. I don't know what he said or did to make the crying and screaming stop, but it worked. After, it would be rare when Haymitch broke down, but when it happened it was Peeta who would comfort him. I always knew he sucked up to Haymitch.

I prepared the deer and placed in in a large cooler for later meals and heated up leftover pasta. I sat alone in silence like I do every night. Eat. Shower. Sleep. Wake up. Hunt. Repeat. I stared down at my poorly put together pasta and shove it aside. What am I doing with my life? My only friend is Haymitch and faintly Peeta. I can't even talk to Peeta without stuttering and running off like a coward. My mom won't talk to me because I remind her too much of Prim's death. Gale is in the running for a high position as the top Military Officer and won't bother with me either. Everyone in town stares at me like I'm about to break down or scream. Life is moving on without me.

I pity them all. They don't know death. Most don't know what it's like to intentionally kill a human. Most don't know anything but moving on and forgetting. I can't forget. How could I?

Still, I fear it all. I fear the new government will turn into the past Government of Panem. I fear Gale will never talk to me again because I hurt him so much. I fear the nightmares will surround my life completely until I'm hopeless. Most of all, I fear that Peeta will never love me because in my heart I will always love the boy with the bread.

Pity and Fear.


	2. Skinny Love

**The next chapter is up! Please review! I work so hard on writing the chapters and I really want the support to keep going! Thank you to everyone who read my story! ****The song of this chapter is Hometown Glory- Adele, but I'm naming the chapter Skinny Love- Bon Iver because I think it fits better with the meaning.  
****_Skinny Love - when two people love each other but are too shy to admit it but they still show it_**

** I own nothing and Susan Collins own everything. I just like playing out my story line. :)**

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I wake up to hear the birds chirping. I rub the sleep out of my eyes and throw my legs out of the bed. I go to step towards where my hunting clothes lay, but take a glance at the closet. A sudden rush of energy surges through me as I pull on a pair of shorts and a tank top. I run my fingers thru my hair. After most of it got burned off by the fire, I didn't bother much with it. Now, it is as long as it was before and I can finally braid it back. I put on my shoes and run down the steps.

I devore an apple and rush out the back door towards the shed. I really don't know what I'm doing, but I grab what looks like the lawn mower Petta uses and try to figure out how it works. I push the machines across the yard until it looks like it once did. I wipe the sweat off my brow and put the lawn mower back. I go back into the shed and take large clippers off the hook and walk towards the bushes. I carefully place them between one leaf and close my eyes. I snap them shut and look to see what I've done. I sigh in relief when I see the leaf fall off and gradually start trimming the rest of the bushes. By the time I'm done it's mid afternoon and the May sun is shining too brightly for my taste. When I walk in my house for water I realize what I have done.

_I've changed._

A slow smile forms on my lips and a giggle starts forming in the back of my throat. Next thing I know I'm crying and laughing and smiling and I don't know what to do with myself. When I calm down and take my drink I think of what to do next. The Primroses.

Fear forms inside of my when I think of cutting my beautiful flowers. What if I mess up? What if I kill them like I did Prim? I grasp that counter edge to steady myself. I can't give up now through, not when I'm almost done. I glance at the calendar and feel myself sigh in relief when I see it's Sunday. The bakery's closed.

I take a deep breath and try and pat the stray hair down from my day of work. _It's just Peeta,_ I try to tell myself, _he's seen you at your absolute worst. Get a grip Katniss. _I force myself to walk out the front door robotically and towards Peeta's house. I arrived at his door and go to knock when I feel myself frozen in place. I look at the sign that all Victors had placed upon their door.

**Mellark Residents**

A warm smile takes place in my memories. A woman screaming at her son for dropping the bread in the oven. Two young men laughing at a joke they just made about their brother. All of them are being torn apart by the bomb dropped by the Capitol because of me. My breathing is heavy when I hear his voice from behind me.

"Katniss? Why are you-" Peeta asks obviously confused. "What are you doing here?" I glance around realizing my hand is still in the air about to knock at his door. I feel my cheeks heat and drop my arm.

"The bushes." I say as if it wasn't obvious. Peeta now looks completely lost and takes a step towards me."

"Katniss are you alright? I can go get Haymitch if you want.." Peeta quickly looks at Haymitch's run down house and then back at me. My face heats up once more when I realize he thinks I'm crazy.

"I'm fine. I just.. I was doing some..." I look at my yard. "I was doing yard work and I didn't want to trim the Primroses by myself." I say the last part quietly and look away. I knew it was stupid to come here. Peeta has other things to do rather than help me cut a few overgrown bushes. "You know what, I'm going to go. Sorry to bother you." I start to brush past Peeta when I feel a hand on my wrist.

"Katniss." I look away from him. "Katniss look at me." I look automatically. I feel as if my breath has been knocked out of my body when his eyes searched mine. I remember everything we shared. The Games, kisses in the cave, kisses in the Capitol, kisses on the train, the memory when I saw Peeta alive after he came back from the Capitol. Everything. "I'm not dreaming. Real or not real?" He whispers.

"Real" I whisper back. He nods his head and seems to realize that his hand is still around my wrist. "Sorry." He mumbles and takes a step back. He seems to be lost in thought when he suddenly walks down the steps.  
"Peeta? Where are you going?"

"You wanted help with the Primroses, right?" He stops and stares at me.  
"Oh... right. Yeah." I mumble and start walking behind him. He still seems a little lost, but don't I sound lost when I talk now too?

We make our way towards the bushes where the cutters lay nearby. A thought crosses my mind about how stable Peeta will be with the cutters nearby but it passes just as quickly as it came. Peeta needs support and those thoughts won't help anyone. He picks up the the clippers and holds them out to me. "Katniss, you need to do this." I look at his eyes. Blue as the ocean against the sun setting in the sky. The ocean reminds me of Finnick, which reminds me of Rue, which reminds me of the Games, and reminds me of everyone that was killed because of me. I look at the bushes, which reminds me of Prim.

"I know." I whisper and take the clippers. I feel him so close behind me that I'm sure that the heat I'm feeling is from his body and not just the sun. I breath in and out. I feel my mind become cooled, calmed, like the ocean. Like Peeta.

I direct the clippers to the first bush and cut. The beautiful flower gently falls near my feet. I look back at the bush and realize that I haven't destroyed it. I'm fixing it, I'm healing myself. When I finish with all of the bushes I drop the clippers to the ground where all of the flowers lay. I turn around to face Peeta.

My Peeta.

"Katniss." He whispers with glazed over eyes. My hand drifts to my face and feel the tears that have escaped.

"It's okay, Peeta. Everything is going to be okay." I know it will be because with the trimming of the Primroses I have let go of the tightness in my chest. I've come to peace with all of the deaths that have occurred. I'm fixed.

Peeta takes a step towards me, then another, and another until we're closer than we have been in two years. "Katniss." He whispers again as his hand reaches up to my face. I close my eyes in the feeling. He wipes away my tears and bring my face to his. When our lips touch I feel the memories swirling through my mind. For a second I'm scared that I will feel Peeta's hands around my neck and his hate against my soul, but I only feel happiness with Peeta.

My Peeta.


	3. Daydreams

**I took the day off from school and decided to type out another chapter! This one is sweet and I love it. I might write another chapter tonight if I get some reviews! I want to know how the story is turning out! Please, please review! The song for this chapter is Daydreams- Adele. Yes, another Adele song! I think her voice is so relaxing and the meaning fits perfectly with the chapters. Have you all noticed the chapters are getting longer and longer? ;)  
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**I don't own anything that was written by Susan Collins, just the story line I'm going with! Happy Reading!**

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"Are you hungry?" He askes me. I'm starving, but I don't know if he is asking if I'm hungry just for the sake of asking or if he wants us to eat together.

I'm still not sure if what happened the day before was a dream that hasn't ended yet, or if it was all real. After our brief kiss he helped me finish up the yard and kissed me goodnight before going to his house.

That night I dreamed the first good dream I had since before Peeta was hijacked.

_We were in the meadow. My head lay on Peeta's lap and he was playing with my hair. I was messing with a loose string on his shorts. I looked up to him, but it wasn't really him, or was it? His hair was a lighter blonde and his eyes held wrinkles around the edges. He looked.. older and happier. "I love you." He told me. I felt myself smile and reply back. _

_Three children run up the hill laughing. There are two boys who are wrestling with each other and a small girl who is picking flowers. The boys have the same color hair Peeta had when he was a boy. Both were wide shouldered, but when they looked at me they had my grey eyes and small mouth. The girl walks up to me and kisses my cheek. She has long, dark hair like mine, but her eyes are as blue as the ocean. "Mommy watch me!" She giggles and turns in circles. _

_I stand up and hold her still as she is about to turn some more. I turn her around and tuck in the back of her shirt. "Tuck in your tail, little duck." I kiss her head. _

_Peeta has stood as well and both boys tackle him to the ground. The sun starts to set and the three children and Peeta walk back up the meadow. Peeta turns around. He is carrying the little girl and has the hand of one of the boys. His free hand reaches out to me. "Katniss, are you coming?" _

"_Always." I say and take his hand._

"Did you hear me?" Peeta asks again with a look of concern in his eyes. We're in the bakery. I decided to visit him since I was stocked up on meat for a few weeks and had nothing to do.

When I first walked in I felt awkward standing there. Of course, the bakery was packed. Monday's are always busy for the town. People gawked at me since it was probably the first time most have seen me in months.

I only go into town if it is necessary. I didn't like the attention before, and I still don't. Now, I hate it. I always get looks of pity and it makes me feel like I don't belong. The last time I went into town it was for a mandatory visit with the new doctor they set up in town. He asked me all sorts of questions and in the end deemed me "stable minded." I think he just felt bad for me because at the time I was obviously not okay.

I look up to Peeta. The shop has cleared out and he's closing up for the night. _He wants to eat. With me._ I realize and clear my throat. "Yeah."

We walk out the back door and into an ally. When he fishes locking up he turns around to stare at me. "It's okay if you want to eat by yourself. We don't need to spend.." he squeezes his eyes shut and clenches his fists. I realize he's fighting off an episode. I feel my hands go up to his face.

"Peeta it's okay. Peeta!" My voice rises trying to shake him out of it. After a few minutes he opens his eyes and unclenches his fists. He takes small breaths which fan over my face.

"We ate together before.. In the train and in the Capitol.. We ate together in your house. Real or not real?" His voice is tight and his eyes are in a panic looking around everywhere.

"Real." I tell him and take his hand in mine. I couldn't just leave him now. As much as I want to cry and scream and lock myself back in my house; I can't. Peeta needs me as much as I need him. We walk down the road and up the hill that leads to the Victory Village- I will never call it by its new name. In time, Peeta calms down and stops holding on to my hand so tightly.

When the streetlights come on I take a look at Peeta. To my surprise, he's looking at me. I give a small smile and he does the same. He lets go of my hand and reaches around my waist. "Can I? I just.. you're not.. close enough. I feel like you're going to disappear." I notice the stutter Peeta has gained after two years of trying to sort through good and bad memories. I nod my head and he brings me close to his side.

We're all a little broken. Peeta stutters. I have panic attacks. My mother has closed herself off to everyone besides her patients. Haymitch fights a constant battle after watching hundreds of children he has tried to get to stay alive in the Games and they end up dead. Gale will never love anyone as much as he loved me. Annie is raising a child without its father, without Finnick. Still, we're all healing slowly.

When we reach the entrance of the village we look between the two houses. "Do you want to eat at my house?" Peeta asks me. "I already have bread that I made from yesterday and I think I have some meat that you sold to Greasy Sae.

"That would be nice." I smile as he walks us to the door. When we get inside his house I'm expecting it to be at least a little disorganized since he's a guy living by himself, but I find it cleaner than mine.

"Wow Peeta." I laugh. "Your house is cleaner than mine!" I tell him exactly as I thought it. I don't know why I find this so funny, but soon Peeta finds something I said funny too because he's laughing just as hard as me. When I catch my breath and wipe the tears from my eyes I fall next to him on the couch. "I haven't laughed like that in years. It feels nice." He takes my hand and kissed the back on it.

"I'll go get the food ready." He leaves me on his couch while he prepares our meal. I've never been inside of Peeta's house before. It's the exact same as mine, but it feels homier. There are pictures of his family. I pick up the one on the coffee table and examine it. Guilt fills my gut as I see it's a family picture. It looks as if it was taken before the Quarter Quell. All four men are laughing while Peeta's mother stands still with her cold gaze and lips in a straight line. _Always was a witch_, I thought and put the photo down. I take a few breaths and before I hear Peeta calling me to dinner. I walk around to where my kitchen would be and look around. It's virtually the same, but in the very corner a large oven sits for baking. I smirk at it and sit down beside Peeta.

We eat in a pleasant silence. I volunteer to wash the dishes as he cleans up. When the last dish is put away I drop my eyes to the side. Peeta is looking at me again just as I am looking at him. He walks up to me still looking me in the eyes. We're close now. He step forward, but he keeps walking. I gasp as he presses me up against the counter. I can feel his body pressed up against mine. "Peeta." I whisper. My hair has fallen out of the high braid I put it in this morning and now falls around my face. He tucks in a few stray hairs and keeps staring at me.

"You still love me." He says in a husky voice. "Real or not real?" My hands reach up and lightly skim his lips.

"Real." I tell him. His mouth is upon mine pressing against my lips and grazing my cheek. "Real." I whisper again when he reaches my neck. My hands are tangled in his hair while I'm still pressed against the counter. His hand skim my sides, and then my hips, and then back up again.

I finally break away from the kiss and stare at him. "You love me." My voice is so quiet only Peeta would be able to hear it. "Real or not real?"

He closes his eyes and takes a breath. When he opens them the lust from before is still there, but it's mixed with something I hadn't seen in him for two years.

Love.

"Real." He tells me as he hooks my legs around his waist and leads me to his bedroom.


	4. When I'm With You

**Two chapters in one day! Phew! This one is long! This is why the story is rated "M." ;) I left you all off at a terrible point last chapter and now you have your smut! This is the point where the story really takes off and gets into the drama and angst the is Katniss' life! Anyways, the song for this chapter is When I'm With You- Best Coast. I'm putting my foot down after today.. I won't post the next chapter (Which may or may not already be done..) until I get more reviews! I want your input! Please review!**

***I re-named the story from Misguided Ghosts to A New Start***

**I don't own anything in the Hunger Games! If I did I would be rich and sitting on a beach while drinking margaritas with Josh Hutcherson. Enjoy the chapter! **

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I didn't realize I would ever be in this situation before. I mean, I know what is supposed to happen, but I didn't know what I was supposed to do. Peeta led us to his bedroom and placed my on the floor. For a few minutes we just stood there while we kissed. Exploring. Touching. Feeling. When his hand went under my shirt I mumbled something about having to use the restroom before dashing to the bathroom and slamming the door.

Now here I am, on the bathroom floor with wide eyes and and swollen lips, and I don't know what to do with myself. I can hear Peeta shuffling in his bedroom doing God knows what while I'm in his bathroom having a panic attack. Maybe if I'm quiet enough he will forget I'm here and go to bed so I can sneak out while he's asleep?

I shake the thoughts out of my mind while I stand up to get a good look at myself. The mirror shows a scared girl with a wild braid and puffy lips. The black shirt I dressed in has risen up to my stomach and my shorts are riding up my ass. I sigh as I fix them and look around Peeta's counter. I grab his toothbrush and some paste and brush my teeth thoroughly. When I finish I wash my face off and undo my braid. I take a good look at myself once again.

My face is bright, but my lips still hold the puff to them to make them look much fuller than they actually are. People from the Seam have smaller facial features. Since my mother was from town I gained her large eyes, but I have my father's small mouth and rounded nose. Now that I'm twenty I have filled out my figure which was a relief on my part since I never had the largest breasts or as nice of an ass as Delly Cartwright. My hair has curled from being in a braid and now falls to my waist in locks. My fingers play with the hem on my shirt.

Do I take everything off and prance into the room ready for Peeta to take me, or do I walk in with socks and all and hope for the best? I decide on the ladder as I go to open the door. I stop myself and smell near my armpit. I quickly reach for one of the magazines the Capitol had left Peeta and search for what I once saw was a strip of paper that smelled nice. I find it and try to rub off all the smell onto my neck and armpits.

I take a final look at myself and close my eyes. I open the door to find Peeta on the edge of the bed wringing his hands. _I can do this_, I tell myself, _you're a grown woman now and is in love with a man and knows that that same man loves her back. Don't be a fucking coward and do it!_

When Peeta looks up at me he starts to speak. "Katniss are you sure.." I reach for the bottom of my shirt and pull it over my head.

"Please Peeta. I need this." I tell him as I walk forward. He stands to meet me and the look of desire returns to his eyes as they roam my body that has been uncovered.

"Me too, Katniss." He whispers before capturing his lips with mine. This time, instead of standing there we fall to the bed. Butterflies fill my stomach as his lips graze the top of my chest. My head falls back and I reach around to undo the only fabric that is in the way of Peeta's lips and my breasts. It falls to the floor and Peeta gains the courage to explore more of my body. His large hands graze the side of my breasts with care.

"Peeta.." I sigh as his thumb rolls across my pebbled nipple. I moan into the air without shame. I know what I'm doing and I love it. I love him. I want this. I want him. I look down when his face comes closer to me expecting a kiss only to find his lips lingering on my nipple. His tongue slowly reaches out to caress my nipple. The cool air of the room teases me with the wetness of the lick. I whimper and puff out my chest trying to get him to do it again. He just runs his thumb along both nipples and chuckles.

"Do you want something Katniss?" He asks in a heavy voice. I look into his eyes and bite my bottom lip.

"Please Peeta? I want you to lick me again." I purr and get a quick response from him. He growls and attacks my nipples. Giving both the attention they desire. My nails rank up his back leaving scratch marks. He tears away from me hissing.

"Katniss are you being a bad girl?" He mocks me and tilts his head. I've never seen this side of Peeta. I'm used to his gentle, loving side. Not this demanding, playful man I'm encountering now. It's different. I love it.

"I'm always a bad girl, Peeta." I whisper in his ear and force him back onto the bed that he had risen to meet me earlier. We lay there kissing and caressing. My shorts have come off along with his shirts. I explore his chiseled chest and brush past his nipple with my nail. The last few years have done him well too. He's now a man. His shoulders are wider and he's reached his full height. He's more muscular than before the Games. I reached my head down and did what he did to me. I give a quick lick to his nipple and he grinds against me in pleasure.

I've realized that he's been hard since I laid on top of him, but just now with him grinding on me, well, it makes me focus on what we're here for. I sit up and start to undo his buckle and he helps me with the rest.

He lays me on the pillow behind him and kisses me for a long while. He breaks from me and stares me in the eyes. Blue meeting grey. Day meeting night. "I love you." I whisper in a quivering voice. I don't know why I'm nervous now, but I am. He tells me he loves me back and kisses down my collar bone. The panic starts to swell in my chest as I think about all we just did. "You've never done this before. Real or not real." This time I need the assurance from him because honestly, I have no clue what Peeta did in his past relationships. I had heard that he had a few girlfriends. After all, he was popular in school.

He laughs in my hair and looks at me. "Real. Have you.. I mean.." He looks confused at this. I can tell he's thinking of Gale.

I shake my head quickly. "I've never." This brings a smile to his face and he kisses me. I feel him position at my entrance. I hold my breath as he first enters me. He goes slowly. It feels good at first and I relax, but then he pushes forward and I feel my nails dig into his back. He freezes while I adjust to his size. I kiss his neck to let him know he can continue.

It's awkward at first. Trying to find a rhythm the suits both of us. I find myself blushing when I feel like I'm doing something wrong, but am always comforted by Peeta and his kisses. After what seems like forever I find his rhythm and rock into his hips. A burning forms in the pit of my stomach. My moaning has become louder and now I'm yelling his name. I feel the fire burning up my my chest and into my cheeks. I am the Girl on Fire. I can't take it any longer and scream out Peeta's name as I come. I relax into his arms as he rocks into me quicker and finally releases into me gasping my name. He falls on top of me breathing heavily. Finally, he rolls off and wraps his arms around my waist. I fall asleep with him whispering how much he loves me. I'm at peace. I'm happy. I'm in love.

Everything will be okay.

I wake up and stare at the yellow wall in front of me. I forget where I am and start to panic. I close my eyes and try to remember. Kissing, licking, fire, Peeta, love. I open my eyes and place a lazy smile upon my face. I stretch out and the smell of bread captures my attention. I get out of bed and take a quick shower before walking down the stairs to find Peeta. I had grabbed a pair of sweatpants and a oversized T-shirt from Peeta's drawer and am now feeling self conscious. The pants fall a little too low and the white shirt obviously shows everything because of the dampness of my skin from the shower. I trudge ahead and look around for Peeta.

I find him in in the kitchen in just a pair of jeans. He's pulling bread out of the oven when I walk in the kitchen. "Morning" I tell him in a shaky voice. He looks around his shoulder and smiles at me. He places the bread on the counter and walks over to me. He looks down and brushes a curl away from my face.

"Goodmorning." He says and kisses me. We eat breakfast and the fresh bread before I tell him I have to leave. His face looks distraught and he has to close his eyes to calm down. He grabs the edge of the table. He fights off whatever memory is thrown at him before he looks at me. I rush over to him and stroke his face.

"Which one?" I whisper as I kiss his jaw, cheek, forehead, wherever I could reach.

"It was when you left the train station after the Games. You told me Goodbye and I didn't see or talk to you for months after that. I'm okay now though." He gives me a weak smile and squeezes my hands.

I leave after that and promise him that I would be back later that night. I run to my house as soon as I close his front door. I reach my back door and throw it open. I never lock my house. I mean, who would be crazy enough to try and break in anyways? I rush up the stairs and fall to my bedroom floor. The feeling in my chest overwhelms me and I start crying. I don't know why I do, but I do. I felt- no feel so happy. Everything is turning out good for us. We're finally together without anyone watching our every move and or is trying to kill us. The white walls on my room darken as the day passes. I stop crying when I hear the crickets outside.

I've spent the whole day crying. What if I end up hurting Peeta like I did before? What if I stop loving him? I could just as easily fall into the darkness like I did after the rebellion and let the depression take me over. I look at the clock. 6:35. I wash my face and then head downstairs. I reach the phone and find the number my mother gave me two years ago. I take a deep breath and dial. I hold my breath as it rings before I hear a quiet voice on the other side.

"Hello?" My mother asks. I haven't spoken to her since the rebellion ended. It was just too painful for both of us to handle. I clear my throat before speaking.

"Mom? It's me.. Katniss."

"Katniss? Is that really you?" She sounds happy. Happier then she has been in a long time.

"Yeah..." The line is quiet for a few minutes. I know both of us are ready for this talk, but I feel a pain in my heart when I realize that I miss her. It's as if she has read my mind.

"I miss you Katniss." I smile while holding the phone close to my ear. I know our relationship is rough, but at that moment I felt like I was five again when my mother used to braid my hair and sing me to sleep.

"I miss you too Mom."

When I get off the phone I glance at the clock. 9:43. Peeta's going to be worried. I walk out my door and head over to his house. I can see the faint light from his kitchen window and smile to myself. I knock at the door and am almost thrown over by the force of Peeta's hug.

"I've been so worried Katniss." Like I said before. "Why haven't you called, or came over, or... or.. something?" Peeta stutters the last part. I stroke his face and kiss his lips lightly.

"You know I have a life other than spending all my time with you." I laugh and lead him inside.

"Yeah, well, I was worried." I look back at him.

"You already said that." He laughs and wraps his arms around me. He kisses my neck and I relax into his arms.

"So, what were you so busy with that you ignored me?" A fake look of sadness crosses his face and he frowns. I laugh at this and take his face in between my hands.

"Oh you know... running off with different men from town. Testing the waters. Seeing how you compare to others..." I give a laugh as he tries to grab me. I duck under his attempt and run to the other side of the room. "Aw. Poor Peeta's too slow. Too bad... I thought we could have some fun later." I give my best look of seduction before running upstairs. I hear him stomping behind me and duck into a spare bedroom and dive under the bed.

I hear him calling my name as he opens doors. Finally he opens the one I'm in. He walks slowly around the bed before stopping. I try to stop myself from laughing by covering my mouth with my hands. He's been too quiet and hasn't moved for a while. I start to relax and think that he might be moving on before I feel his hands around my ankles and he's pulling me out from under the bed and dragging me up to meet his gaze.

"Now what was that you were saying about testing the waters with other men?" He raises an eyebrow before attacking my lips. We kiss for a while before he pulls away. "You're mine, Katniss. I'm never letting you go." His thumb caresses my bottom lip before he walks away.

"Peeta!" I exclaim. "Where are you going?" I run after him.

"I'm starving. Wanna join me for dinner?" He asks hopefully. I take his hand in mine as we head to the kitchen.

The lights are dimmed and we're on the couch laughing at some joke when I remember the conversation I had with my mother earlier. My laughter dies down until I'm completely quiet.

"Peeta I need to tell you something." I say in a quiet voice. He looks down at me. I'm staring in the ocean that is his eyes and get the courage to finish. "I talked to my mother today." A look of surprise passes his face.

"That's great Katniss! Did you have a nice conversation?" I can tell he looks worried. It's probably because he remembers my mother taking care of him in District 13 during the rebellion and it's bring up memories for him. I let go of our intertwined hands and back away from him. "Katniss what happened? What's wrong?" He looks hurt, which hurts me.

"I think... I think we might be going quick. I.." I look into his eyes. Blue meets grey. "I'm going to visit my mother for a few weeks. I'm going alone."


	5. Die Alone

**Thank you to everyone that reviewed! The reviews keep me writing! I really wanted to get Mrs. Everdeen's tale in here about how she met Katniss' Father. I always loved her complex character and though she deserved this. I was thinking of putting Peeta's POV in here, but I just want to to be from Katniss'. Maybe I will write a One-Shot one day to make up for it! **  
**You all have to understand that Katniss is damaged from the war. She makes rash decisions. She did want to make love to Peeta, but with that it brought up so many other things that only Katniss would worry about. Katniss has anxiety and panic attacks. She also has other things wrong with her that I won't get into until later chapters! **  
**KEEP REVIEWING and I will post faster! The more reviews, the longer each chapter will get! The song for this chapter is Die Alone- Ingrid Michaelson. **

**I don't own anything from the Hunger Games. Enjoy your chapter while Josh Hutcherson and I enjoy some "alone" time on the beach I was talking about... ;) **

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I never liked trains. I don't like the feeling that you could crash any minute. I don't like seeing Districts and towns pass by like they are meaningless. Most of all, I don't like the feeling that my life is passing by without my say in any of it.

After I left Peeta's I went straight to my house to pack- which there wasn't much to do. I put a few shirts and pants in a bag along with personal items and went to sleep. I woke up at five in the morning and left for the train station. From there, I sat alone. I saw parents walking their children to the new school building and store owners opening in the morning.

The bakery was closed.

A breeze from the train woke me from my stupor as it pulled up to the station. The train was different from the one I took to the capitol all those years ago. It was modest. It had different compartments for people so that you didn't have to sleep in a chair next to each other. Mine was at the very end and had a small bed that fit the room size. The only other furnishings in the room was a nightstand, a wall sink with a mirror above it, and a built in closet. My bag was tossed aside when I finished looking at my new rooming for the next day or so and I instantly locked the sliding door behind me and fell asleep.

I woke later that night to hear someone knocking at the door. I mumbled some sort of slew of curses to get the intruder to leave, but whoever it was was relentless. I threw it open and took the food the waiter had handed me and slid the door shut again.

The knocking didn't stop there. I slid it open again. I might have broken the door that time.

"What?" I had screamed at him. He handed me a note and left.

_You really fucked him over this time sweetheart. Happy travels. _

_ -Haymitch_

I crumpled the note up and tossed it in a corner before forgetting about the food and falling asleep. I awoke the next morning to find my breakfast sitting outside of my door. I tossed it out before sitting at one of the empty tables available to look out at the countryside.

I don't like trains. I don't like the people on the trains. I don't like the small compartments because it reminds me of the tubes that lead you up to the Games. Above all, I don't like how trains force you to think.

Here I am. On a train. Doing all the things I hate because I choose to run away. I ran away from the nightmares that started coming back. I ran away from Haymitch's drunken stares of pity. I ran away from the people in the town who think I'm crazy or some sort of war hero. I ran away from Peeta.

I don't know what happened in that short time I was away from him. I- we were so happy. I forgave myself and him. The world seemed brighter when we were together. What happened to the happiness I felt?

"_You mine Katniss. I'm never letting you go." _

When I left his house and I was in my state of anxiety and depression. His words circled my mind and they wouldn't leave. It was too much like before. I felt controlled. I know that he meant well by saying them. He loves me and I really do love him. A feeling of anxiety filled me as I held onto the edge of the seat and squeezed my eyes shut.

I hurt him again just like Haymitch insisted I would do over and over. I left partly because of this. I couldn't hurt him like I did after the Games; after he was hijacked, but I ended up hurting him again. Like always. I destroy everything and anything in my path.

The train came to a slow stop as we pulled up to the ocean of District 4. I left my seat and changed into different clothes. I slept in the same clothes from the day I left. Dressed in white shorts and a green tank top I walked off the train.

"Welcome to Brine City! Have a nice stay." The train attendant tells me as I step off the stairs.

District 4 is almost the same as it was from the Victory Tour. All the buildings in the main town are white with blue trimmings- something District 12 could never have because of the layer of soot that fills the air. On small hills run-down houses for poor fishing families lay with large palm trees everywhere you look. On the beaches boats are being constructed and if you look close enough you can see the ships in the harbor. I breath in the salty air and make my way into the town.

"Katniss!" My mother walks towards me with tears in her eyes. We haven't seen each other for two years. After she finishes hugging me she looks me over- I do the same with her. Her light blonde hair has been mixed in with grey streaks. Crows feet form at the corner of her eyes and she has put on more weight by being out of the underfed misery in the Seam. She wears a long, white dress that makes her blue eyes stand out.

"You look great." I tell her as she leads me to her new house in town. She smiles and holds her head high. I haven't seen her this happy since before my Father died. "I'm glad you found happiness Mother."

"Oh Katniss." She sighs and looks out at the ocean behind us. "I've just come to peace with my life. After Prim.." She stops walking to collect herself. "I was a mess for a week before I realized that I can't be the same woman who went into a shell after you Father passed. I moved to four and started training to be a Doctor. Now here I am. Head Doctor for Brine City and I'm okay. I'm not a mess. I'm doing well." She smiles and takes my hand. "How are you?"

We arrive at her small house on the outside of town. It's white with blue trim like the rest of the town. It has hard grass on the lawn and a smaller version of the large palm trees I saw in the hills. The inside is neat. Organized. She takes my bag to the guest room as I look around. Pictures I never realized were taken surround her house. Prim and I when we were children. A wedding picture of her and my Father. Pictures of me in the Games. Prim in the meadow. I feel tears in the corner of my eye and feel my mother's presence behind me.

"I'm doing better. I've healed too." My mother gives me a concerned look.

"And the nightmares?"

"Still come every night." I whisper. _Except for when I'm with Peeta_, I tell myself in my head. She sighs and gestures to the table in the kitchen for me to sit. She prepares tea and I pick at my nails. She hands me the tea and sits down in the next chair. I still look down not drinking from my tea.

"I'm so happy you came." She smiles and takes my hand again. She lets go and sips the drink. "Now, why did you really come." She gives me the look she gave me when I would take a bed sheet to the meadow for a picnic and get it completely dirty. She would never get mad at me, but always gave me this stern look. I take a sip of my tea and look at my nails again.

"I missed you." I half lie.

"I missed you too, but that's not the real reason." She taps her fingers on the table getting impatient. One thing I gained from my mother was her lack of patience when it came to small matters like this. When it comes down to serious matters like her staying up all night with a patient, or me with my bow; our patience is endless.

"Peeta." I whisper and look out the window trying to look like it really doesn't bother me. My mother clears the table before sitting down again.

"Did I ever tell you about Peeta's Father?" I look at her now and shake my head.

"I know some.. from Peeta, but not the whole story." She gets up and walks towards the window I was just looking out of.

"His name was Rye. He looked just like Peeta when he was his age, but his shoulders were wider and his face was had a square look to it. His hair was a lighter blonde then Peeta's. He was very handsome. We went to school together and were best friends all of our lives. Our parents were close friends. He was my best friend and I was his. When we graduated from High School he told me he loved me and had for all of his life. He asked me to marry him and I said yes. I did love him, but the way you love Gale; as a friend. I assumed that it was just how it was supposed to be." She walked away from the window and sat in the chair again.

"One day I was outside hanging clothes on the line when I saw your Father running outside of the fence. He was a few years ahead of me and I knew about him because all of the girls talked about him, but were appalled to think about dating him because he was from the Seam. I was one of those girls until I saw him running. I dropped the basket I was holding and ran after him. I called for him to stop, but he kept running. I just wanted to ask him how he escaped. I was feeling so enclosed in this engagement to Rye that I wanted to escape. It wasn't until I tripped over a tree root that he stopped running. He climbed a tree and jumped down to help me. When he took my hand to help me up I looked into his eyes and I knew I was a goner. His eyes were silver and he was laughing at me. I was laughing too. He asked me if I wanted to go into the woods with him. I agreed and he showed me all his favorite spots. I came home late that night to find Rye waiting for me. He asked where I was and I told him I was with a friend. He nodded, smiled and kissed me. I felt horrible for doing that to him." She smiled and started re-braiding my hair.

"I secretly met with your Father until the night before my wedding was supposed to take place. He begged me to break it off and marry him that night instead. He didn't need to ask me twice. I broke it off with Rye and told my parents that I was going to marry Lief- your Father. They told me that if I did I would be disinherited and they would never talk to me again. I loved your Father so much that I didn't care if they wouldn't acknowledged me again. I walked out of my house and headed for the Seam before I was stopped by Rye. He was crying. He told me he understood and kissed my cheek. That broke my heart the most. After that night we never spoke again. I would buy bread from him, but that was it." She was crying as she finished her tale. I squeezed her hand. I couldn't move.

We were in such similar situations that it shocked me to the core. I got up and walked away from the table.

"You were right in choosing Peeta, Katniss. Whatever happened.." She paused. "I was scared of loving your Father too. I already hurt Rye. I hurt my parents. I didn't want to hurt him too." She whispers to me. "I realized that I loved your Father more than my fears of hurting him. Don't forget your love for him."

I woke up the next day to find my Mother gone for her shift at the hospital. I cooked eggs and ate a piece of toast on her balcony and looked out to the ocean. The water swirled a deep blue. It reminded me too much like Peeta's eyes from the night we made love. I washed the dishes and laid down on my Mother's green couch.

"_I realized that I loved your Father more than my fears of hurting him. Don't forget your love for him."_

I shut my eyes tight. I felt a panic attack coming on from my anxiety. I will hurt him. I already have. I love him. I always have. Since he threw me the bread that saved my life I loved him. I never knew it until he was so far gone from me by being hijacked.

If I go back to District 12 I would have to face him and the hurt that I have caused. I don't know if we could fix it. If we could, what would happen? We would love like we did that night. We would love like we did on the beach in the second Games. We would love like he loved me in the first Games. Would we get married? The anxiety takes me over as I have the inevitable panic attack that overtakes my mind and body and leave me in spasms.

I calm down enough to think again.

We would get married. I take a breath and calm the next panic attack I feel coming. The children from my dream dance into my mind. The little girl with the dark hair and blue eyes. The boys with the blonde hair and grey eyes. Our children. We would have children if we got married. Peeta deserves that happiness. My hand starts twitching. I try to stop it, but that panic attack takes me over once again.

This is how my mother finds me. She calms me down and takes me to my bed. She brings me iced water and two small pills that calm my anxiety and make me fall asleep.

The next week we continue the same routine. My mother works half the day and comes home at dinner. I play cards by myself, or watch the new T.V. shows the Capitol has come up with. When we do have free time we talk about the past and the present. We talk about my Father some more. We talk about Prim. We laugh and cry. I build the relationship I once had with my Mother before my Father died. I feel more of my heart being sewn together.

On Sunday I decide to go back to District 12. My Mother helps me pack and schedules the train ticket for the next day. As my Mother makes a Shrimp Pasta she wanted to teach me how to make a sharp knock on the door disturbs our little bubble of joy we have wrapped ourselves in.

"Could you get that baby? I'm a little busy!" She laughs as she peels the shrimp.

I open the door after the knock sounds again and find two men in black uniforms.

"Katniss Everdeen?" The larger man says. I look them up and down and feel the panic start to form in my chest.

"You have violated your charges. You were ordered to stay in Molotov City until your sentence was complete." He looks down at a piece of paper and then back at me. "At exactly 7:18 a.m. you boarded Train 648 and arrived at Brine City on July 14th. This clearly is a violation of your sentence." He stares me down. I'm frozen in a state of fear and panic. "We are here to take you to Novo City." The new name for the Capitol. "You have been placed under arrest and will wait for sentencing when arriving."

I look back at my mother to find fear in her eyes. The smell of burnt shrimp fills the air as I look back at the two men. My mind goes into survival mode. I run past them and down the road as I hear yelling and radios behind me.

"_You mine Katniss. I'm never letting you go." _

I hear his words run through my mind and soul.  
_"I'm never letting you go." _


End file.
